I accidentally had phone sex last night
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
