i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
