Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want her autograph on my taint
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
