new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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