So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
