Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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