I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
