I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
