I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
