I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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