nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
