True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
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she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
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All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
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