I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
