fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
