Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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