if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
