i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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