it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
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Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
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It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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