stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
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I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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