I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
