Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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