I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
