If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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