i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
