My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
