Michael Bay diarrhea
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
