soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
