she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
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I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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