mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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