I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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