the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
