I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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