A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
