The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
