Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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