I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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