The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
