I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
