she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
