I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
