I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
