I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
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We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
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I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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