At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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