Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
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i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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So much Jack, so little girl.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia