I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
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He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Drake has all the answers
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now