you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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