Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Say something about gay babies.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
