i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
