Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
