The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
