I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
