woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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