then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
