Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
