I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
