Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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