i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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